Here’s the deal, I’m basically going to make surface level assumptions on most of you and probably shit on something you’ve done, will do, or are currently doing. I’m going to judge your team & your life, all in one fell swoop…enjoy.
Bobby: Because who the fuck else would I start with? I mean just look at two things if you didn’t know any better…Bob himself, and Bob’s roster. If you didn’t know any better you’d think, “ok maybe he’s just a little slow, but seems like a decent guy.” What you won’t realize is that NOTHING IS OK. Well look at the roster…LeVeon Bell, Dez Bryant, Jordan Reed, etc. Not a bad team right? Then you look and realize he has NO PICKS from now until 2020.
Verdict: Bobby plays fantasy football like he plays life, in the “here and now”. The only difference is this…Bobby has fleeting success in fantasy football.
Erik: Most likely a closet 76ers fan because he saw the writing on the wall. Squad was decent and probably would’ve been in the mix moving forward, but instead of being the equivalent of a 6 or 7 seed in the Eastern Conference, Vendy said fuck it, let’s try and be good for a long time. So he decided he would tank for one season while acquiring star studded young talent, getting a lot of future picks, and opening the window for a 5+ year period.
Verdict: Vendola is probably pretty happy with his team, and in life right now–sees a plan, and executes it well.
Ryan: This is one I struggled with since I’ve only met Ryan once. We’d flirt through text about trade offers from time to time, but then we stopped being friends when he traded Mike Evans for a used blow up doll and a kindle. Now we’re kind of civil again, but the spark is gone and I’m convinced things will never be the same.
Verdict: Ryan fucked up so bad, he moved to Oregon.
Buckler: Seriously, could two more insufferable fucks have won the trophy in the first two years of this leagues existence? (Buckler rolls eyes and says, “Yes, the asshole who wrote this article could’ve won”) He doesn’t annoy me to the point of Bobby because let’s face it, he’s a better person. But between starting both Atlanta RBs, getting Mike Evans for a used dental dam, and overvaluing every single player on his roster, he irks me as a human being.
Verdict: Buckler got engaged this year and it was the 2nd best thing to happen in his life. I imagine after the final whistle blew securing his victory, he got in his car, rolled up his windows, a massive blunt, and blasted Jon Bon Jovi, “It’s my life”
Rory: I’ve gotta be honest, for a guy who nicknamed himself “Dirtbag McCloskey” at the young age of 19 at Rutgers University, you’d think that’s rock bottom for most. But not Rory! Rory caught a slew of shit luck last year (5th in points, 1st in points against) and finished 9th out of 12.
Verdict: Rory has one of the most coveted pieces in all of Dynasty, Zeke Elliot. Erin is Rory’s real life Zeke…and it wouldn’t shock me if she beats the shit out of him.
Gordo: So after two years of us all wondering what direction Gordo is going, he has finally given us a definitive answer, the playoffs (again). While being competitive, Gordo managed to be patient with young talent, buy low on other young talent, and sell off veterans for more valuable assets and set himself up for many successful years to come.
Verdict: Gordo has managed to go out, have a great time, get fucked up, and do dumb shit the same as any 20-something year old. He’s got a hot chick, a house, and a boss job…he’s set himself up for many successful years to come.
Michael: I’m honestly not quite sure how your team didn’t win the chip last year, but it didn’t and now we had to deal with Buckler as the champ for a whole offseason…thanks for that. Mike embraced the long run from the get-go and it looks like he’ll be a perennial competitor.
Verdict: Has anyone met Mike’s girlfriend? If he dates like he plays fantasy football I’m assuming she’s 17. Just because Mike’s all about the “long view”…jokes on us when she’s 25 and he’s 38..nice.
Coots: This team is the Baltimore Ravens of our fantasy football league right now. Pretty much a .500 team with a bunch of old fucks past their prime. This roster is better fit for a bingo tournament than a full fantasy season. If Jordan Howard doesn’t swing his dick like King Kong this year, reality is going crash this party.
Verdict: Coots is going to be forced to evacuate that roster like it’s fucking Dunkirk in a year or two.
Kesal: You bet he gets his own write-up. He’s a beautiful brown angel.
Verdict: We’ll be running the league by the end of next year #Beige&Brown2018
Rick: Talk about having a rough offseason…woof. Start selling off assets like you’re fucking OJ Simpson because you might be in a worse place than he is right now. Rick has some pieces in Gronk & Baldwin that should yield a solid return. However, it seems like Rick “isn’t ready yet”.
Verdict: Rick is very deliberate in his actions. He will wait a very long time to make sure he’s doing the right thing. Just ask Steph…
The Dean: Fuckin Dean…The man who flipped DGB for Tom Brady…a magician like that sure knows what he’s doing. Tom Brady, check. Arguably the top RB duo in the league, check! Wide Recei…oh wait, that’s what we forgot about. Edelman has to share a ton of targets and DT has someone with less talent than Dean throwing him passes.
Verdict: Dean’s a man of mystery. I don’t know where Dean lives, what Dean does, or if he’s good at fantasy football. It looked like he might crash and burn for a while last season, but this year, I think he’s going to be fighting for a playoff spot.
Baggot: What in the dumpster-fire hell have you been doing for the past two years? If you really want to know, please read Alex’s diary of a tanker entry on Cbssports.com. Pay Erik Vendola $50 for a 30 minute session on how to tank and build properly.
Verdict: Alex probably didn’t walk until he was 6 years old…it took a while, but he’s really good at it now. I think that’s what’s happening here…it took a while, but I think he’s getting good at this now.
Me: Let’s put this out there–I fucking hate myself for trading Le’Veon Bell, lose sleep over it every night. Panic and reality have set in as I realize that I, in fact, have probably 2 years to win a chip before going down the dark hole of rebuilding hell.
Verdict: Panic and reality have set in that I’m getting married in like 75 days…lots of panic and reality setting in. Hopefully I’m not “rebuilding” that in 2 years…